We Would Have Left The Theater Sooner If Some Movie Characters Were Smarter
By Luis G
Movies require one critical thing above everything else — an audience willing to let themselves be fooled. They work under the same premise as a magician: There’s a complicit pact between performer and viewer — you know you’re going to see a trick, not actual magic. The same occurs in movies; you’re going to be entertained. For that to happen to you, as a willing participant, you have to have ONE thing: a suspension of disbelief. 007 needs to perform feats that defy gravity. The heroine needs to fall madly, head over heels, in love with the hero, despite their glaring differences. Today, we’re going to show you a few movies where that gambit, by the filmmakers, is what drives the whole plot. Without the audience balking at the red flags or lack of common sense by the protagonist, the movie simply wouldn’t have occurred. Without that massive idiotic shortcircuit of higher brain functions by the main character, the movie would have ended in less than 10 minutes. Don’t believe me, re-watch ‘Raiders of The Lost Ark’ — noticed the troubling motif? What if Indy had simply stayed home? Would the movie have turned out any differently? Well, that’s not the only one like that. Check the other ones we have in store for you!
The Little Mermaid
This is a film that, believe it or not, is from the late 80s (it was created in 1989, to be more specific) Are you feeling old? So are we! We’re talking about The Little Mermaid! And, it was a reflection of Disney’s return to form.
This film has so many enticing characters! The lovely Ariel, the imponent King Triton, and Eric. So, basically, this film would have been way shorter had she just listened to her father. He is not the King for nothing, after all!
Fifty Shades…
Amongst all of the films that involve cheesy and predictable storylines, this is the absolute pinnacle of that trend. We are talking about a film that had women going ga-ga on BDSM play, handsome millionaires, and personality types that need years of therapy.
Who would have thought that the storyline of a naive literature-student impromptu-journalist mixed with a tycoon with somewhat odd fetishes could ever take such a turn of events? The moral of this story? When you uncover the hidden sex dungeon in your boyfriend’s bedroom, run out of the front door immediately.
The Ring
Imagine this: A creepy little girl with long, black hair, and a slouched posture. Put all those three things together, and you get yourself a person running fast in the opposite direction. Obviously, we are not talking about the film Little Women, but The Ring.
Now, picture the following: A person gives you a seemingly innocent VHS tape. That beautiful soul that hands you it, scared silly and tells you that if you watch it, you’ll die. It should be quite evident that you should steer clear away from it! Problem solved.
The Sleeping Beauty
Frankly, you know that Disney films are not known for their complex storylines. Why? Because they are meant for kids. They are simple. This is an old-school classic that is watched by generation after generation. It is the one and only The Sleeping Beauty.
You only need two neurons to realize that you should always, as common courtesy, invite someone like Maleficent to the christening of your daughter. Just in case. Given that you don’t want things to go south. If in doubt invite everyone — particularly the evil super witch that has a bad habit of taking offense rather easily.
Alien
The film we are going to delve into right now is a classic. It is a sci-fi powerhouse film that became standard in its genre. Plus, it has Sigourney Weaver who we all know is a master of her craft. We’re talking about the unparalleled Alien.
If you think about it, the whole plot of the film could have easily been avoided had they stuck to their strict quarantine requirements. But no, they had to let them in. If we learned anything in 2020 is that quarantine means not letting anyone else in.
Twilight
Wrap your head around the most clichéd high-school-themed plot you can think of. Now add vampires and extra strong sunscreen protection to it. Oh, and Robert Pattinson. What do we get, ladies and gentlemen? Yes, you named it, Twilight.
There is one thing that could have spared us from this cheesy movie, and it’s even worse in the sequels. Had Bella gone for the high-school jock, and not for the weird guy in the cafeteria throwing creepy glances her way, the movie would have ended completely different. Stalker anyone?
Jurassic World
Hopping back into the sci-fi world again, here is a film that captured the hearts of many young ones throughout the world and turned kids into dinosaur fanatics. We’re talking about Jurassic World. Plus, it restarted a franchise that was already huge.
90% of the plot could have been avoided had the scientists been less inept. What did we learn from it? Do NOT create freakish, gene-altered animals that have a knack for eating humans. Oh, and don’t give apex predators new genetically spliced superpowers – Like INVINCIBILITY!
Finding Nemo
We all know that kids quite often tend to do the opposite of what they are told. They may become a danger to themselves if not looked after properly. That also applies to fish. Especially if they are named Nemo…
All poppa needed to do was make sure that his little kiddo didn’t swim to the drop-off point in the ocean. Just keep an eye on the kid. There’s a reason why most parents never leave their kids to wander about. But at least we get Doryto help save the day!
Willy Wonka…
Roald Dahl was a storyteller that used to write books with characteristic tongue-in-cheek humor and wonderful teaching moments. He also wrote the classic Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory along with dozens of other books which later became great stories.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’s biggest sin is Charlie’s lack of financial shrewdness. Charlie, sell the freaking ticket to the highest bidder in exchange for a couple of bucks. Your family really needed them. How many beds were you sharing?
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Even if we don’t want to admit it, there are films that are, by no question, classics, no matter how predictable or played-out the main storyline is. That is the case for Ferris Bueller’s Day Off starring a young and dashing Matthew Broderick.
However, it could have been a ten-minute film had the parents been a bit more responsible. Any nitwit could have told you that Ferris was handing out a huge load of BS. You don’t need to be an FBI agent to know that your kid is lying to your face.
Lion King
Lion King is a children’s Disney film that was released in 1994 in the United States. Fun Fact: It is the highest-grossing animated film with an estimate of $763 million dollars collected worldwide. And, as you already know, it is a fan-favorite of many.
The movie could have been stopped in its tracks if Simba had simply refused to listen to Scar, the villain of the film. Or, if Mufassa had simply told Simba that his Uncle is a brat since he tried to kill him a couple of times before. Besides, who the heck goes to the gorge to practice roaring, right?
Batman Begins
There is an eternal debate about which of the Batman films is the best, as well as who interpreted the best version of the caped crusader. Referring to the former query, the movie, Batman Begins is one of the best.
It’s the best as long as you suspend your disbelief. The film wouldn’t exist had his parents been less irresponsible. Don’t take the alleyway exit at night with your child, and that’s basically it. They should’ve phoned Alfred to meet them upfront. It’s common sense.
Cars
Pixar is a widely recognized company due to its exceptional cartoon films. They have legendary films that many people around the world love. Real tear jerkers. You name it: Toy Story, Monsters Inc., and others. Cars is no stranger to those accolades.
The only reason why we have such a gas-heavy franchise of films is because of Lightning McQueen’s giant ego and almost God-complex. Let’s face it. If he would have simply changed his tires, he would have won the race. No tires busted, no problem.
Breaking Bad
Breaking Bad is one of those TV series that everyone and their mother tells you to watch. If you haven’t watched it, you must have heard of it. We are not telling you to watch it, we’re just saying that if you don’t you’re — well, — you’re just weird.
As far as the plot goes, it is quite solid. Yet, all the series goes headlong down the sewer if we make one single change. Walter ignores his pride, takes the cash from his friend, and cures his cancer. No drug-cooking involved.
Matrix
Sci-fi amalgamated with deep philosophical considerations can create one heck of a movie. You don’t believe in us? Ask the Wachowski Sisters and they’ll give you the lowdown. Matrix is still a prevalent blockbuster film that many watch still to this day and is loved by numerous fans.
The question is, would you ever take a pill from a stranger wearing a black, shiny leather coat inside a suspicious dilapidated hotel? No. That goes against the ABCs of common sense. Never accept any pills from strangers…particularly ones that wear sunglasses at night.
School of Rock
While it does have quite an absurd uncanny series of events, School of Rock has become a staple film of all things Rock n’ Roll related. It also opened the door for many kids to start listening to different bands like AC/DC.
The hard reality is that the argument is highly unlikely. Ask yourself, How long can I go as a faux teacher without getting recognized? How long until someone calls to check my credentials? The answer should be quite simple: Not too long.
The Visit
M. Night Shyamalan might not ring too many bells for some people. Nonetheless, those who are into films may know that he is the director behind many films like The Sixth Sense and Split, and films with huge twists like The Visit.
Is it a good idea to leave my children with my estranged parents, whom they have never met, in order to hop onto a cruise trip with my boyfriend for fifteen days? If your answer is yes, then congratulations! Now you have yourself a horror movie!
Back to the Future
This is one of those flicks that everyone needs to watch at least once in their lifetime. It involves a beautiful DMC DeLorean, wacky hijinks, and even funnier hairstyles. Back to the Future underscored an era and is definitely considered a classic.
However, let’s be real for a second. What type of high school senior would ever hang out with a crazy, old scientist? A scientist, mind you, that’s hiding from crazy Middle Eastern terrorists who are hunting for his head? Have you ever tried to get your kid to visit grandpa of his own volition?
Gremlins
Yucky creatures. Yuletide cheer. Strange happenings? Can we all say Gremlins? What are Gremlins? They are “cute-looking” creatures at first, as long as you don’t do a couple of very simple things to turn them ugly like feed them after midnight, wet them, or expose them to sunlight.
We mean. It ain’t that hard! C’mon! Only three things you must not do. We can see that you basically can create a plot for a film based on the premise of human stupidity. Gremlins definitely showcases that very well!
How I Met Your Mother
How I Met Your Mother is like the spiritual successor (in a way) of the popular sitcom Friends. It’s a bunch of actors interpreting stereotyped roles that usually go through the shenanigans of daily life and often form quite predictable relationships.
This is certainly not a movie, which makes things even more questionable. How can it possibly take you nine years and nine seasons to tell something as short as that? To tell your kid how you met their mom?
The Blair Witch Project
If we’re talking about films created from a unique point of view, we can say that The Blair Witch Project is the OG in many ways. Fun Fact: It is the first film to go technically viral before that was even a popular term.
But the argument is really bland. Would you ever travel into some woods in order to check if some evil, murdering witch exists? You would be much better off if you stayed at home, wouldn’t you? Or at least come prepared with a rocket launcher.
The Last Airbender
This next film we have in store for you is by the aforementioned director M. Night Shyamalan. Yet, this one wasn’t as critically acclaimed or popular as its rather more successful counterparts. We are talking about The Last Airbender.
They should’ve carried a couple of bottles of water so that they could use them whenever they want. There you go. If there’s something that can solve that film as quickly, it is that – some simple recipients of the age-old thirst quencher.
Home Alone
Macaulay Culkin built his career on this next role. It is a timeless Christmas classic. It involves thieves and a mischievous kid. His antics are memorable. Home Alone was a huge box office hit and the sort of film you can watch over and over again.
Even in the 90s, there’s a slim chance that the plot could happen in real life. Nowadays, no chance whatsoever. We’re not trying to get too judgemental here but, what kind of family forgets their kid? Not once, but TWICE! The same one. Two years in a row?!
UP
You can criticize this film as much as you want, but you have to admit it is a bit of a tear-jerker, even from the very beginning. It is about an old man, his house, a lot of balloons, and a Boy Scout kid. Up we go now!
The FBI is likely to begin a massive manhunt when they find out that you ran away to Venezuela with a Boy Scout kid inside your house. They would pop up out of no where and pop all of your balloons. End of the story.
Reservoir Dogs
Quentin Tarantino is a mad genius. Love him or hate him, his films have a cult-following status like Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill, Django Unchained, you name it. Reservoir Dogs was his Opera Prima. He even acts in it — commencing that tradition. Awesome!
It blends criminals that don’t know each other, in combination with them not even having a grasp of each others’ names, and attempting a perilous crime. All of them are off their rocker and psychotic. What could go wrong? Sheesh. Was it any wonder this blew up on everyone’s face?
IT
It originally starred Tim Curry, in 1990 as the famous killer clown. It had its time to shine once again in 2017 by the hand of Argentinian film director, Andy Muschietti, this time with Pennywise being portrayed by Bill Skarsgård.
First off, Georgie Boy shouldn’t be on his own on a rainy day looking for his paper boat. Not to mention that he really needed adult supervision. And even so, if a freaking clown in the sewer talks to you, you turn around, and run away. End of It.
Jaws
Thriller films are a must-watch genre for many viewers. A golden standard for this is Jaws directed by the very special CHOSEN one Steven Spielberg. It was filmed in 1975 and tells the story of a killer shark and his buffet adventures.
Beaches should not be open when killer sharks that are lurking around. Not even if it’s the 4th of July weekend. Otherwise, hungry sharks will eat you without mercy. If you skinny dip in suspicious, shark-infested waters, then face the consequences like a grown-up! It’s Darwinism taking you out of the equation for the good of mankind.
The Purge
The Purge is a very successful film that became famous because of its peculiar postulate. There is one single day throughout the year when any type of crime can be committed without facing the consequences for it. Sounds creepy, right?
From the movie’s surreal plot, there are easy ways out. Dude, all you need to do is take a flight, a bus, or a train to somewhere else for the week until people are done killing each other. Canada is pretty nice. So is Mexico.
The Martian
Matt Damon is quite a beloved (by some people, at least) character in the Hollywood film industry. He’s been in several blockbusters like the Jason Bourne saga. And then, well, there’s The Martian — His Oscar sci-fi opus.
We don’t know much about how NASA astronauts do things, but logic says that they are definitely risk-averse. If there’s a windstorm, you figuratively pack your Martian bags and get going. or else, your chances of surviving are slim to none.
Meet the Parents
Meet the Parents is one of those films that we watch when there ain’t nothing else on TV to occupy our time on a rainy Sunday. All of this provided that you have a Netflix account. You can always find it there. Anyway, Ben Stiller’s in it while he’s also busy filming Zoolander sequels.
If your father-in-law is a former CIA agent who likes to put relatives through lie detector tests, you gotta bounce. Or at the least have the stones to tell him to take a hike. Have some respect for yourself and tell the old man to scram.
Hunger Games
Jennifer Lawrence is probably the only reason why normal people watched this movie. The rest are just bibliophile fans who have read all of the books who seem to get high off of making comparisons between the movie and the book. We’re talking about The Hunger Games.
Katniss Everdeen goes all heroic in order to save her sister, but she ends up dying anyway. In a weird chain of events, a whole movie series could have ended swiftly had she let her sister participate without her intervention.
Fatal Attraction
We have to recognize we’ve all had one-night stands with people we shouldn’t have. Well, this is a film that recreates the worst of a married man’s nightmares coming true and making a mess of his life. We are talking about Fatal Attraction with Michael Douglas.
This whole film not can be solved in under 10 minutes, but avoided altogether as long as you stick to the film’s main motif: keep it in your pants! You could have saved the bunny had you simply said: “Why risk it? I’ll stick to my adoring and sexy wife.
Over the Hedge
Over the Hedge is a comic film created by DreamWorks (this time it ain’t Pixar) in 2006. It is about a raccoon that tries to steal food from a hibernating bear. You can picture the different outcomes spurred by that premise.
The only reason why RJ (the raccoon) fails to complete his task successfully is because he was clumsy enough to wake the bear up. Maybe he could have got away with it had he been less of a clutz. Cunning like how he acted in the rest of the film. Who knows? But then, there would be no movie like everything else on this list.
John Wick
This flick is probably one of the greatest to come around in some time in a genre where most prominent figures are over the age of 60. John Wick took the action film world by storm with its unique approach.
The reason why we have such a great saga is due to an inherently stupid reason. Some mafia boss’s kid gets greedy over a former hitman’s Mustang — a kid that could have bought the same car with what his dad has laying around the house. And, if that wasn’t enough, the kid leaves the owner, John, alive.
Jumanji
The Rock is omnipresent. You can see him everywhere. We are starting to believe that he is the antithesis of John Cena, another WWE prominent wrestler. Dwayne Johnson alongside comic actor/stand-up artist Kevin Hart helmed this great remake of Jumanji.
Spencer, really? Did you have to pop the Jumanji game in again? Now, we’re surrounded by the turmoil that comes with it. So, this game is like the analogy to Pandora’s Box. Don’t open it if you can’t handle what’s inside.
The Hangover
Even though we don’t want to admit it, there are comedy films that hold a dear place in our hearts, no matter how conceptually bad they are. This holds particularly true with the film, The Hangover, starring Bradley Cooper.
While there’s no guarantee that there could be any satisfactory outcome while having Alan (portrayed by Zach Galifianakis,) roofing your friends into a stupor, it’s not a good way to celebrate a marriage in Las Vegas. Or is it? Plus, why invite him at all? Just leave the clearly deranged man-child home.
Jeepers Creepers
Another horror film classic, Jeepers Creepers is a movie that is about a creature called Creeper that surfaces every 23 years in order to feast on human body parts for 23 days. Sounds quite nice, doesn’t it? It’s IT only with a soundtrack.
Like in any horror film whenever you see a dude dragging bodies close to a church unless you want to become the hero (or victim), you ought to haul yourself out of the town and never return there ever again.
Rent
Rent is a film inspired by the 1896 opera La Bohème, by Giacomo Puccini. It shows the life of several characters who are HIV Positive. Each one with different topics such as sexuality, drugs, and, of course, paying the rent.
As crazy as this sounds, all of the struggles that characters like Mark have to go through could have been solved as long as they phone home and swallow their pride. “Mom, I’m about to get evicted.” At least they can try to go back, right?
Thor
This one’s the equivalent of The Hunger Games of the Marvel Universe. How? In terms of going to the cinema to watch the film for one single reason: staring at human perfection — in this case, Chris Hemsworth. Thor was just a daydream of abs and muscles coming together.
Here, the film can be fixed with the condition that Thor doesn’t go off fighting the snow people. In regards to the Loki situation, it is fixable if Odin tells the truth, and (spoiler alert) spills that he’s adopted.
Dude, Where’s My Car?
Bro comedy at its finest, Dude, Where’s My Car? is the living stereotype of the portrayal of stoner pothead bros who can’t even tell where they are standing. The protagonists are Ashton Kutcher, and Seann William Scott (from ‘American Pie.’)
The first plot-solving solution is the easiest, and the most boring one, probably. Kids, don’t do drugs. Secondly, always make sure to double-check for the location of your ride!!! No matter what your plans are for the rest of the evening.
Taken
Liam Neeson has officially become the unsung hero of 2010s action motion pictures. He’s also the protagonist of a meme-worthy monologue in the action-packed celluloid Taken. You know how it goes, “I will find you, and…” The rest is epicness personified.
Once again, another brilliant franchise that starts off due to negligent behavior. We mean, who dares allow their teenage daughter to travel to the other side of the globe with her indecent, carefree friend? Simple answer: no one! “You’re going to where with HER? Alone?”
Titanic
Titanic is a picture created by James Cameron in 1997. It shows the inconceivable love affair that takes place between a high-class married woman named Rose, and a working-class individual, Jack, that lands a spot on the boat by unlikely circumstances.
As you can see, nothing good comes out of betting, even when you “win.” Why? Chances are you can earn a one-way ticket to a cold death for the incapability of a woman to make some space on top of floating furniture.
The Dark Night
The Dark Knight is another entry in the saga of the DC Universe — the one that involves the nighttime vigilante Batman, a.k.a Bruce Wayne. It is directed by Christopher Nolan and features the one and only, Christian Bale.
Disregarding what was said about how Wayne’s parents are killed, the whole film may have gone in a totally different direction provided that he goes out of his way to protect Harvey Dent. You know, while the guy is in the hospital, after almost being killed by the Joker — the same Joker that has a knack for being extremely thorough with his killings.
The Incredibles
Stemming once again from the creative geniuses that work at Pixar, The Incredibles is a film about a seemingly normal family, which in reality is composed of superheroes. They also have dope-looking suits without capes, as it should be.
The inconvenience present in the film is all caused by Papa, aka Mr. Incredible. All he does is drag his family into his midlife crisis to fight a nemesis. His reluctance to accept the average life puts his family in constant distress. Not cool, man. Stop it altogether.
Toy Story
Buzz Lightyear, Woody, Mr. Potato, Rex and many more – do these names ring a bell? This is a film that even dictators – Google it – love. Toy Story is like pizza – everyone is a fan. It’s our childhood trapped in a perfect film.
We can all agree that Woody’s egotistical tendencies push the group into many dangerous situations. Had he simply gotten his own self in check, the film would have played out in a very different way than it did in reality altogether. Plus, Buzz needed help — deep emotional, psychological help. Why didn’t any of the Toys help him out?