Welcome to Suburbia: Identical Homes, Tree Games, and Sarcasm Galore

By Ayomitide F January 17, 2024

This article was originally published on docjournals

Welcome to the land of identical houses and lawns that could pass a perfection exam! Don’t bother looking for a bike lane—apparently, they’re on vacation here. If you fancy a leisurely stroll to the shop, you better lace up those marathon shoes because it’s a 30-minute expedition. Trees? They’re playing hide-and-seek, and if you’re without a car, congratulations, you’ve won a one-way ticket to a stranded island paradise! Ah, the sweet charm of suburbia!

Now, let’s take a delightful detour into the Suburban Hell subreddit, where folks are venting about their idyllic neighborhoods. Get ready for a dose of suburban reality served with a side of sarcasm. So, whether you’re sipping lattes in suburbia or reading this from your urban escape, join us in upvoting the most infuriating pics, and remember, you’re not alone in your suburban struggles!

Just Mow it!

So, the neighbors dropped off a friendly note about the lawn. Seems they’re keeping a keen eye on his mowing schedule. Can’t blame ’em, they gotta keep the neighborhood looking sharp somehow, right? They’re gently nudging him to make it a more regular thing, maybe even toss in a weekly mow. 

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Can’t have the house looking like a secret hideout! Gotta admit, their notes have a certain charm, keeping neighbors on their toes is quite the unique talent. What’s a suburban adventure without these watchful eyes, huh? They might even make a community thing out of it: Just Mow it!

Suburb run

We’ve had Temple Run, Subway Surfers, Agent Dash, etc. Listen up, folks because we’ve cooked up something special for you: Suburb Run!—where the alleys twist, the streets turn into labyrinths, and dodging obstacles means maneuvering through cul-de-sacs and quirky neighborhoods. 

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Instead of ancient ruins, you’re sprinting through a maze of houses and backyard fences. Can you imagine the power-ups? Maybe a turbo boost from a backyard trampoline or a speed burst from grabbing a pizza delivery scooter. Oh, and watch out for pesky garden gnomes and rogue sprinklers! 

The Blueprint

Yes, that right there is the structure of Triacylglycerol. And just like its repetitive make-up, the suburban neighborhood layout looks just like that. You gotta wonder which came first! In fact, the layouts of trailer parks are just like that too. What is going on here, really?!

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You’ve got those three fatty acid “houses” lined up snugly with a glycerol “street”. And hey, it also kinda resembles the way prison cells might be arranged too, with that efficient, space-saving design. Let’s just say nature loves its efficient blueprints, whether it’s for storing energy in fats or organizing spaces for living! 

STOP

Alright, imagine strolling down a sidewalk, right? You’re taking in the sights, feeling the vibe, and suddenly, bam! You hit the “end of sidewalk” sign. Like, seriously? What’s up with that? It’s like the sidewalk just decided to call it quits, leaving you hanging. 

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It’s the ultimate plot twist of the pedestrian world, the sidewalk’s way of saying, “Hey, buddy, the adventure stops here!” But hey, maybe it’s just a prompt for you to create your path, forge ahead, and embrace the unknown beyond the sidewalk’s boundaries—you gotta pave your way!

Cottonwood

Dog Mall? Sounds like a big ol’ discovery, folks. You can’t help but wonder if it’s like the Disneyland for dogs! First off, the parking lot is massive—big enough to make you wonder if it’s secretly a doggy theme park instead! 

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And once you step inside, woof, the excitement begins. It’s like a bustling market but exclusively for our four-legged pals. Oh, the variety! You’ll find all sorts of shops catering to doggie desires—plush toys, gourmet treats, stylish bandanas, you name it. 

The Blocs

Oh, man, these places are just… *chef’s kiss*… horrendous! And to think that they went on a tree-chopping spree just to plop down these cookie-cutter houses. They’re so close together, you could pass the sugar to your neighbor through the kitchen window without even stepping outside!

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There is zero regard for space or greenery. And get this, the whole selling point is that it’s the “country” for city folks! But hey, the silver lining is, they’re not exactly living on top of each other, right? Living in a suburban Tetris beats being stacked on top of one another for some people.

Dystopia

It’s almost comical, right? Living in these suburbs sometimes feels like a twisted plot from a dystopian novel. We’ve got these sprawling neighborhoods, perfectly manicured lawns, and cookie-cutter houses all lined up like soldiers. But when it comes to a leisurely stroll, suddenly it’s a journey worthy of a road trip! 

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It’s like the town planners went, “Let’s make everything super accessible by car, but for walks, we’ll make it a quest.” And the irony is just dripping everywhere. You’ve got these sidewalks that start and end randomly, leading you to wonder if they’re secret pathways or just a really drawn-out joke!

Mid-America

Ah, behold the grand avenue of Mid-America! You see a couple of signs, but we see a guide to survival in today’s US of A. Just take a gander at the signs sprinkled along this Mid-American street. You’ve got your familiar anchors like Kohl’s, Chili’s, and KFC waving hello!

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But wait, there’s more! Firefly Grill twinkling away, summoning you with its cozy vibes and Farm & Table whispering promises of fresh produce and delightful eats. Smoothie King, the reigning monarch of fruity blends, awaits to whip up your daily dose of liquid sunshine. All this just make the Suburban hells much more peaceful!

El Barrio

Remember that episode where Squidward achieved his lifelong goal of living in a gated community? Now, that one was a riot! Squidward thought he’d hit the jackpot moving to this fancy gated community, thinking it’d be all peace and quiet. 

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Everything was so prim and proper, with the squeaky-clean lawns and neighbors obsessed with perfection. Poor Squidward couldn’t handle the soul-crushing routine. He tried to fit in, but it was like living in a cookie-cutter world. Eventually, he went all out in rebellion, graffiti-ing everything in sight. And he packed his bags to go home! 

Another one!

Ah, check out this lineup of cookie-cutter houses—gotta love the dystopian vibes, right? But seriously, doesn’t it feel like these places are missing a vital ingredient? You guessed it—greenery! We’re talking about some good ol’ trees, shrubs, maybe even a garden gnome or two. 

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It’s the green stuff that injects life into these neighborhoods, turning them from soulless replicas into charming little havens. Imagine a splash of color here, a touch of nature there—it’d make a world of difference. Who wouldn’t want to sip lemonade on their porch while surrounded by lush plants and chirping birds?! 

Kids see Stroads

Ah, the age-old “Why aren’t kids playing outside anymore?” lament. Well, let us introduce you to the wild reality of stroads. It is like when you try to mix peanut butter and jelly and end up with a questionable sandwich – but in this case, a street and a road. 

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So, you’ve got these places that give a street vibe with shops, hangout spots, and people. And suddenly, it’s wide lanes, cars zooming by like they’re in the Indy 500. So, when we wonder why the kids stay indoors, it’s partly because the outside they’ve crafted these days is like a confused mixtape!

Park-ing-lot

So, imagine this – instead of having a green, lush park down the street with trees, swings, and picnic spots, someone decides, “Hey, let’s turn that into a park-ing-lot!” It’s like that classic scenario where they’re paving paradise and putting up a parking lot. 

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There might be something special about a good ol’ park, right? The kind where you can kick back, chill under the shade, and maybe a frisbee session. But swapping that for a concrete jungle of cars? That’s like trading in a slice of heaven for a ticket to gridlock city. Life in the Suburbs, folks!

Pass Go!

Isn’t it something? Look at that bunch of houses all packed together! It’s like watching a giant game of Monopoly unfolding before our eyes. Developers are spinning the dice and strategically placing these homes, trying to create their own little property empires.  

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Who knows, maybe someone is eyeing up Boardwalk next, hoping to build a high-rise hotel or something equally extravagant! You’ve got these developers wheeling and dealing, trying to outdo each other just like players in Monopoly. It’s kind of funny seeing all these neighborhoods popping up like little game pieces on a board!

The Backyard

So, you’ve got these two houses, neighbors in the Sunshine State, and they’re living the dream, sharing this cozy backyard fence. You’d think, “Hey, they’re practically next door, right?” But these backyard buddies have to drive 7 miles to actually meet up. 

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Of course, it could also be a hop, skip, and a jump away. But the civilized route would be a 20 minute drive through the entire neighborhood just to have a cup of coffee with your neighbor. That would make a great Romcom story someday!

A Tragedy

You know what’s wild? We traded these picturesque, awe-inspiring structures for cookie-cutter neighborhoods straight out of Suburbanville, where you need a compass and a packed lunch just to reach the nearest Walmart 30 minutes away. Who thought that was a good idea?!

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Seriously though, it’s like taking a masterpiece painting and replacing it with a doodle on a napkin. But who knows! Maybe a touch of creativity and urban design magic could spruce up those mundane suburbs, bring the conveniences closer, and sprinkle a bit of charm back into the neighborhood!

Stroad, pt. 2

Whoa, check out the size of this behemoth stroad! It’s so wide, you could practically turn it into a runway for flying cars or maybe host a parade for jumbo jets! Seriously though, this stretch of road is gobbling up so much space. In our world today, cars seem to take center stage. 

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You’d think they forgot to invite public transport, sidewalks, cool monuments, bustling town squares, or even a proper city center to this party! At least, it’s clear that this zone’s more geared towards warehouses and industrial vibes rather than creating a vibrant urban community. Look at where they stuck the trees!

Whitecaps

Ah, behold the magnificent skyline of Vancouver, stretching high into the clouds! It’s like the city’s doing its own little dance with those towering condo buildings standing tall, almost rubbing shoulders with the clusters of charming detached houses below. But you know, Vancouver’s vibe isn’t too different from many other cities in North America. 

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It’s almost like this city has a split personality—one part bustling metropolis reaching for the sky and another part, well, just chillin’ in those cute residential neighborhoods. What a funny mix they got going on – the skyscrapers showing off their glassy exteriors while the cozy little houses do their own thing.

Omaha!

Ah, the soulless suburbs of Omaha! You know, it’s like walking through a neighborhood made by a copy-and-paste enthusiast in a video game—every house a carbon copy of the next one! Where’s the individuality? It’s a sea of identical lawns and houses with that “cookie-cutter” vibe.

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You’d think a few trees here, some shrubs there, and a splash of colorful flowers could jazz the place up, right? But nope, enter the dreaded HOA’s ultimate neighborhood style police that prohibits all that. So, for now, we’re stuck with this digital-looking landscape in the real world! 

Castlevania

Oh, you know how it goes with those suburban folks—they’ve got these houses that they sometimes treat like castles, but let’s be real, it’s all about those suburban havens! They’ve got their own little kingdoms complete with lawns and minivans. 

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But hey, can’t blame them for feeling regal in their slice of suburbia, right? Who needs a drawbridge when you’ve got a garage door opener?! Suburbanites can sometimes treat their neighborhoods like they’ve got these sprawling castles, right? Suburbs are sweet and all with their tidy lawns and cul-de-sacs, like, “Welcome to my suburban kingdom!” 

Heaven

What’s a cul-de-sac without the aroma of freshly brewed Starbucks wafting through the air or the joy of a Big Mac combo after a long day of soccer mom duties? It’s like the American dream took a tight detour into suburban heaven, right? 

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Pizza Hut, Starbucks, and McDonald’s are the unsung heroes of suburban life, making sure everyone’s caffeinated, well-fed, and content, one drive-thru at a time. You can’t deny it—there’s something oddly charming about the idea of these places in the ‘burbs!

1893

Back then, Kansas City was the belle of the ball. Streets bustling with life, horse-drawn carriages, and that old-world charm. But alas, here we are in the modern era, where cars reign supreme and highways crisscross every which way. That picturesque beauty has taken a backseat, quite literally! 

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The hustle and bustle of traffic have somewhat turned that enchanting scene upside down. It’s like a game of “Where’s Waldo?” trying to spot a serene corner amid the honking horns and concrete jungle. Guess we’ll have to rely on vintage photos to ever grasp that beauty again.

Free Parking

On today’s like they’re setting up slide parks right at suburban doorsteps. You start ascending the driveway and suddenly it feels like you’re on the steepest incline known to cars. Might as well swap out the garage for a bungee jumping platform or a rock climbing wall, right?

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It’s a good thing we’re not turning these into Olympic ski slopes; otherwise, we’d need ski lifts just to park the car. At the end of the day, these garages will become bedrooms just because the Developers were clueless at actual development. Yay to the suburbans! 

The Wild Midwest

Ah, welcome to the Midwest winter wonderland! You’ve got your freezing winds doing their best to make you feel like you’ve stumbled into the Arctic, those barren landscapes that seem straight out of a post-apocalyptic movie, and let’s not forget those homes!

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As soulless as they are, the architects have taken it a step further. We’ve got a house over there that’s not beating around the bush—it’s spelling out “poop” in big, bold letters. Real subtle, right? It’s like they’ve taken the playful route to express themselves amidst this frosty landscape. Kudos!

Breaking Bad!

Ah, those signboards really nail the classic suburban vibe, don’t they? But hey, what’s a suburban landscape without the superslam personal injury lawyer ad? Nothing much really, just a colossal billboard screaming, “Did a 2-TON DEATH MACHINE mess up your day? Ring up THE HAMMER for a chat!”

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Imagine living in a place where the main attractions are giant parking lots and strip malls—it’s like being stuck in a never-ending sitcom.  Now, we totally understand how Saul Goodman made a killing in the burbs. There are tons of Walter White prospects here!

Indoors

You know, it’s funny how we keep scratching our heads wondering why kids these days aren’t out and about, but hey, take a good look around! The great outdoors might as well be a concrete jungle or some sort of suburban labyrinth. Where are the rolling hills and secret hideouts we used to roam?

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It’s like everywhere you turn, it’s all, “Hello, concrete! How’s it going, suburban sprawl?” And we’re over here wondering why kids prefer screens over this asphalt wonderland we’ve crafted for them. Can you blame them? Sometimes, even finding a good ol’ tree feels like a treasure hunt.

Fubar

Choosing between Sienna, Italy and Houston, Texas has never been that difficult. One is a charming gem in the old country and the other chooses cars over people. Sienna’s city center is bustling with a warm community of around 30,000 people. 

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Now, take a mental hop across the globe to Houston, Texas. Nestled within its colossal highway interchange is an expanse of concrete and roads that sprawls like a mini-city all on its own. So yeah, it’s like a bustling metropolis, but for cars and trucks rather than people!

Peace and Quiet

Ah, the charming quirks of suburban living! It’s like a symphony of leaf blowers in the fall, isn’t it? Every neighbor just wants to whip out their shiny new leaf blower even if it’s just one leaf. And oh, there’s always that one neighbor tinkering away, building a new shed or garage or something!

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Let’s not forget the air—from the laundry exhaust to the aroma of freshly cleaned carpets. Then there’s recreational fires, amateur meat smokers, and much more. Not to mention the idling monster school bus hanging out on the corner. Suburbs are really anything but peace and quiet! 

Enter The Brits

Hahaha, the Brits sure have their own special flair when it comes to suburban living, don’t they? Man, those walls must be made of paper or something! You can practically hear your neighbor’s sneeze through them. And oh, those room sizes! It’s like they’re playing a game of “how small can we get?” 

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But let’s talk about those backyards—it’s a whole different universe back there! Those walkways sandwiched between fences look like something out of a maze or a cattle guide at a farm. It’s like a quirky maze just to get to your neighbor’s BBQ!

Woof?

A dog park is supposed to be a haven for our furry pals, right? But guess what? There is no shade, no comfy turf, just gravel and rocks. Seriously? Who in their right mind thought that gravel would be a pooch paradise, especially under the scorching sun? Well, leave it to the ever-incredible HOA!

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It must have been designed by folks who would nonchalantly walk their furry friends on a surface hot enough to fry an egg, claiming, “Ah, don’t worry, their paws are superdogs, they’ll be fine!” And what’s the deal with that giant rock smack dab in the middle? So many questions!

City of Lights

You know, it’s funny how life is full of mysteries, right? And one of those head-scratchers has always been how Paris manages to be this small, cozy little city despite its colossal reputation. It is normal to think a city so famous would be sprawling across the horizon.

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You stroll around, taking in the sights, and suddenly you realize, “Wait, is this it? Is this the whole shebang?” But that’s the beauty of it! It’s like they’ve packed centuries of history, art, and romance into this neat little package!

Garage-House

That garage totally gives off those cozy house vibes! It’s like the ultimate undercover home, pretending to be just a humble garage. But seriously, the suburbs have this sneaky talent for surprising us. You stroll by, expecting a full-on house, and bam! It’s a garage in disguise. 

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Or wait, could it be that this is a house that just looks like a garage. Garages can only be so big and they are usually attached to houses right? Well, this is one head scratcher. It’s almost like it’s playing hide and seek with our expectations. Gotta love these suburban mysteries!

And again, and again!

It’s like suburbs are multiplying faster than rabbits, right? Blink, and bam! Another unit pops up, as if they’re having a party and inviting more neighbors to join in. Can’t deny it, the suburbs are doing their own version of a never-ending story. 

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So, settle in, folks! Looks like we’ll forever be playing hide and seek with these ever-expanding neighborhoods. But hey, who doesn’t love a bit of suburban charm? Get ready for more lawns to mow and stroads to wander because these burbs aren’t going anywhere!

Copy & Paste

From way up high, it looks like someone went copy-paste-crazy with the neighborhood layout. You know when you’re on your computer, and you accidentally hit copy-paste a gazillion times? That’s the vibe this place gives off—copy, paste, repeat in a loop!

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It’s a bit like a surreal, dizzying experience when you look at it from above. Round and round those streets go, almost like a wild carousel that never stops spinning. Sometimes these cookie-cutter layouts surprise you with hidden charm once you’re strolling through them. But from the bird’s-eye view? It’s definitely a head-scratcher!

Wakey wakey

Imagine you’re all snug in your bed, ready to embrace the day, when suddenly, it’s not the sweet tweet of birds that greet you. Nope, it’s the roar of not one, not two, but a full-on choir of 15 lawnmowers revving up their engines.

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Isn’t it beautiful? Life in the beautiful suburbs is nothing without waking up to a lawnmower orchestra. The peace and quiet you get here is far removed from the usual chirpy bird noises. What are you waiting for, suburban? Rise and shine, it’s time to mow that grass!

Pod

Isn’t it ironic how we say we’d never step foot in a “pod,” yet we’re practically pod-dwellers already? Think about it—cruising around in those four-wheeled pods we call cars, nestled in our cozy pod-like suburbs, and spending our days grinding away in those office pods we affectionately call cubicles.

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We’re living in a world of pods without even realizing it! After zipping around town in our personal pods, we retreat to our suburban pods, complete with lawns and picket fences, which we call home sweet home. And when it’s time to clock in, we’re off to the office pods. Life in a podshell, folks!

Greenland

Welcome to the suburban scene, or as we affectionately call it, the “leafless paradise.” Now, don’t get too excited about lush greenery—around here, the green you’ll spot is pretty much limited to those five trees chilling on the street corner.

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Once those leaves start to drop, these neighbors gets real busy with the leaf blowers! Every now and then, suburban folks wield their leaf blowers like they’re in some kind of outdoor symphony. You’ll hear the chorus of leaf blowers humming away on a Saturday morning—it’s practically the neighborhood soundtrack!

Paradis

Woah! A stubborn family holding their ground amidst a sea of suburban houses, refusing to sell their $50 million property to developers? Like it or not, they are standing on business! And why stop there? Instead of just letting the concrete jungle swallow them up, they could go full-on paradise mode! 

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A massive biotope smack dab in the middle of the neighborhood—a beautiful lake to swim in, a gentle creek meandering through, loads of local trees and bushes creating a mini-forest, wildflowers adding pops of color, and oh, a bunch of cozy spots to sit and soak in all the different views. Oooh la la!

Cars Only

Ah, our lovely country—where the roads seem to have a magnetic pull stronger than any other mode of transport! We all seem to have a soft spot for those four-wheeled wonders, don’t we? It’s like a national love affair with driving.

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Public transport, taxis, bikes, or a leisurely stroll—they’re like the wallflowers at the transportation ball, waiting for someone to give them a chance. But oh no, here comes the almighty vroom vroom brigade stealing the show yet again. We’ll never be free at this rate!

Headlines

One thing about suburban jungles? They’ll always give you some tea! Imagine a neighbor reporting another neighbor for this wild crime—opening the garage door while chilling in their car and then promptly closing it after driving in. Sherlock Holmes, over here!

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Funny enough, when you’re in the ‘burbs, every little thing becomes a headline. Who knew a garage door could cause such a stir? And its all thanks to the next door humans. Suburbs have all sorts of neighbors, really. From garage door detectives to privacy aficionados, they’ve got it all. Yay!

The Dream

Alright, let’s picture the ultimate suburban dream, shall we? Imagine a suburb that’s like a cozy nest, snugly wrapped around a train station. You step out of your home, take a leisurely stroll, and voila! You’re there within a breezy 10-minute walk!

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There’s tree-lined paths, friendly neighborhood vibes, maybe a cute little green park or two along the way. None of this endless maze of roads and highways, just a human-scale setup where you’re not feeling like an ant lost in a concrete jungle. Sounds good, doesn’t it?!

US of Stroads

It’s as if we’re in a romance with oversized roads, sprawling highways, and never-ending parking lots. Year in, year out, we swear allegiance to the United States of Stroads—One nation under the suburban sprawl, where strip malls reign as sacred monuments and boredom becomes our national pastime.

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To be honest, our real environmental mess stems from our reckless land use. We’ve got colossal highways leading to nowhere and parking lots big enough for a small town. It’s time to ditch this obsession with endless sprawl, reimagine land use, and transform cookie-cutter strip malls into vibrant community spaces!

Exit!

What’s your dream suburbia like? Leaf blower symphonies, Garage peeping neighbors, and all the goods, right? Now, imagine if your slice of heaven is right smack next to a highway exit. We’re not talking about just a bit of traffic noise here and there—oh no! 

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Honks, screeches, and engine roars pouring right through your neighborhood, folks. Living in suburbia can already have its quirks, but being a stone’s throw away from a highway exit? Forget peaceful strolls or Sunday morning coffee on the porch when you have trucks, buses, and all sorts as eager guests!

The Antidote

Think about it—more apartments mean more space for nature to do its thing without us humans constantly encroaching on its territory. Plus, no more clearing up entire forests just to make way for identical rows of houses! Sounds a lot better, doesn’t it?

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Sure, if we’re talking fancy neighborhoods with sprawling green estates, that’s like the gold standard. But hey, those spots come with a hefty price tag. In the end, it’s a balancing act. Apartments might not be everyone’s first choice, but they could be a clever way to save some green spaces while providing housing!

Elementary Park

This elementary school near the suburbs has got like 700 kids buzzing around, learning their ABCs and whatnot. But get this—when you take a peek at the place, the parking lot is like the size of an airport runway! Can you believe it? 

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It is massive! You could probably fit a small town’s cars in there. You gotta ask, “What’s the deal here? Do they expect a rush of parent-teacher meetings or what?” You’d imagine a school would be, you know, school-sized! But nope, the building seems to play hide and seek behind this colossal parking space!

The Silver Lining

Let’s face it, the drama in the ‘burbs is often like a messy sitcom without a director. While we might sometimes feel like we’re lightyears away from nailing down proper city planning, there’s still hope. Sure, we’ve seen our fair share of questionable zoning decisions and traffic nightmares. 

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But amidst the confusion, there are some bright spots popping up! From community-driven initiatives to innovative urban design projects, folks are starting to rethink how we create our urban spaces. We all wish for vibrant neighborhoods where you can walk, bike, or hoverboard to your heart’s content. Just hang on tight, people!